Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Title : Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Plot keywords
* Knight * Holy Grail * King Arthur * Camelot * Castle
* Plague * Coconut * Satire * Killer Rabbit * French

Cleric

• And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

Dialogue

Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?

Arthur: We found them.

Guard: Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!

Arthur: What do you mean?

Guard: Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!

Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

Guard: ... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

---

Large Man: Who's that then?

Dead Collector: I dunno. Must be a king.

Large Man: Why?

Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

---

Dennis the Peasant: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Arthur: Be quiet!

Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

---

Arthur: [grabs Dennis] Shut up! Will you shut up?!

Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!

Arthur: [shakes Dennis] Shut up!

Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I'm being repressed!

---

Bedevere: Why do you think that she is a witch?

Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt.

[Bedevere gives him a disbelieving look]

Bedevere: A newt?

[Silence]

Peasant: Well, I got better.

---

Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! [makes taunting gestures at them]

Sir Galahad: What a strange person.

King Arthur: Now, look here, my good man--

Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

---

Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!

King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

King Arthur: Oh, ow!

Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.

King Arthur: Well, what do you want?

Head Knight: We want a shrubbery!! [jarring chord]

Taglines

• Makes Ben Hur look like an Epic!
• Sets The Cinema Back 900 Years!
• And now! At Last! Another film completely different from some of the other films which aren't quite the same as this one is.